Given how stern AHBL is about video recording, I decided that it would be less stressful and provide more continuity to make an audio recording instead - ie, just leave my phone sitting quietly and innocently beside me absorbing everything that went on. This little series is my audio files and the transcripts from the All Hell Breaks Loose convention at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, on Sunday June 2 2013. Guests were Misha, Richard, Sebastian, Mark Sheppard, Rob Benedict (who was also MCing), Matt Cohen.
Please don't ask me for videos, because I have none! Where I know of videos for the panel made by others, I'll link to them. If anyone else knows of them, please link them in the comments and I'll add them. Thanks! :)
Note: Between the high energy levels of this section, the fact that there are six of them onstage (well, five mostly, because Mark decided to sit down about two minutes in), two of the microphones had a high level of distortion, and the audience is very noisy, a lot of this was very hard to transcribe. Some sections are drowned out, and some places I’ve had to guess who’s speaking. Feel free to correct me in comments if you remember it differently!
The venue is a large lecture theatre, with sloped seating, two large overhead screens at the front, and a big podium + desk front and centre. Hence the references throughout the day, from several of the guys, to feeling like they’re back in class, jokes about transparencies and teacher/student roleplay etc. There are two aisles leading up from the front, dividing the audience into three sections: a broad section up the middle, and two narrower ones up either wall.
The guys enter from the doors at the base of the theatre, so they walk right onto the stage. Sebastian is in front.
Sebastian: Today’s class... today’s class is about ... Supernatural.
Matt (as if conducting a class, gesturing to the screens): Can we get that transparency up here that we were talking about?
Misha: Uhm, what’s funny about what happened just now is that we were walking - they were taking us somewhere - and we walked into the room, not knowing that this was where we were going... (mimes walking along casually, suddenly seeing a room full of audience) WHOA!
Sebastian: This is nice!
Misha (eyeing off the enormous desk): What’s great is this is also exactly where you wanna stand. Right here.
Sebastian: Exactly, yes.
Richard (talking into one of the small clip-on microphones provided for professors, since they had a limited number of proper hand-held ones; starts to speak, breaks off when the sound is distorted): Well, you’ve got - this doesn’t work, I don’t know why I’m talking into this.
Misha hands over his microphone.
Richard (still at the desk and all its various tech for communicating with the screens): It’s great, because it’s very unobtrusive. You don’t even know it’s here. That’s the amazing thing, people say ‘How do you get the things up on screen’, and ‘it’s all hidden, it won’t bother you during this convention, you won’t know where it is, it’ll just magically happen’. And... it’s really impressive. We need to be doing some sort of seminar, obviously. Selling some sort of product. How are you guys?
Audience screams with enthusiasm.
Matt (distorted by the mike): It feels as if you’re going to learn something today, we reckon? (he and Sebastian speaking at the same time, in decipherable) ... so let’s just lay that down now.
Richard: Matt, you sound like an airline captain.
Matt (mimes pressing a button, makes an alarm noise, then deeper): Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats ... (keeps talking, deliberately indecipherable)
Mark obligingly ‘returns’ to a seat in the second or third row, amongst the audience. Audience applauds.
Sebastian: ... you know what they’re cheering about right now?
Richard: Well, they’re cheering because Mark sat down. And it is magic to watch.
Sebastian (having inherited Matt’s tiny microphone): Did you lick this? Did you lick this, Matt?
Matt: Of course I did.
Sebastian (suggestively): Of course you did.
Matt begins to roam up one of the aisles, now with a Real Man’s Microphone.
Matt (peering at audience members, playing the stern professor): I feel like I wanna make sure that you’re taking notes now. Focus.
At this point I decided YES EXCELLENT IDEA and started taking notes, because it was already obvious there was going to be a lot of this audio file that made absolutely no sense without ‘and then Sebastian did this’ commentary.
Matt: I’m looking for the person that’s texting right now.
Somebody yells out ‘Mark Sheppard!’
Matt: Oh god, this is bringing back nightmares. (Pauses.) I don’t have anything else to say! I’m hoping you guys are going to come up with something.
Sebastian: This is the strangest microphone.
From halfway up the steps, Matt throws the microphone at Misha. Misha, impressively, catches it, in the process of which Rob dives sideways to avoid it and ends up on the floor.
Richard: We are well-trained professionals! Do not try that at home!
Rob (climbing to his feet, panting with hands on knees): ... threw it right at me!
Richard (between crowd noise) : ... and Rob’s like “WHAAA” ... like a 3D movie! (mimes diving all over the place to hide from flying things)
Rob: No, I mean, I was like, it was like (whooshing noise, mimes something spiralling through the air towards him), and then he (patting Misha) was like (mimes slow-mo leaping to catch a moving target) “Noooooo...”
Richard: And I’m going (mimes something flying by and spotting impending disaster) “Aaaaaaah....”
Rob: ... and Mark Sheppard’s going (scornfully, slow-mo) “No.”
Richard: That’s actually real time.
Rob: That’s how he says it.
Richard: ... it’s not slowed up. (trying to get back to being all professional, he and Matt descending on Rob and squeezing his shoulders while he looks tiny and mobbed) How excited are we to have Rob Benedict hosting today?
Insert screaming here. Misha decides this is the opportune moment to grab Rob, hook his leg up around his thighs, then pick him up and swing him around a bit before putting him down. Richard mimes clubbing one or the other of them with his microphone.
Richard: ‘Cos we’re not!
Sebastian: Wait, I’m supposed to be humping him!
(Note: my transcription of the previous 50 seconds was an absolute mess until tumblr user deangrinchester uploaded a video of it, because I could not for the life of me remember who was running around flailing where.)
Richard: Robbie, you brought your guitar, you gonna do any music for the people?
Rob: ... could do some, for sure.
Sebastian: Yes, “Eskimo”!
Apparently Sebastian likes “Eskimo”.
Rob: “Eskimo”, that’s the one th...
Sebastian (singing like someone who doesn’t remember the tune or more than one word): Na na na na ESKIMO!
Richard: Please stop. Please stop.
Sebastian: Na na na na! I know the words of that song by heart!
Richard: Please forget them.
Rob: It’s obscene what you’re doing to that little microphone.
Misha: You have to admit, that’s a talent. That’s a special talent.
Rob: No, not everybody can do that.
Misha: Not everybody can find sexual innuendo in a microphone.
Sebastian: You found the sexual innuendo, I was being good. Until now.
Richard (confiscating Sebastian’s microphone and carrying it away like something deeply contaminated): We gotta burn this now, you know.
Rob: If you’ve got any rubbing alcohol, you can really just douse that.
Richard (dropping it into the hands of con staff and wiping his hand off): Ew.
Sebastian (faint, due to a sorry lack of microphone): I have no known diseases. That I know of.
Rob: No known that he knows of.
Misha: The doctors can’t figure out what it is, but yeah.
Sebastian: They’re still trying to find out.
Rob: I’m sorry, we have a question! What is it?
Mark (in audience, looking at the day’s schedule projected up behind them - we’re already well behind schedule, and the professional photo ops should be taking place): I think there’s a conflict.
Misha (turning to look): There’s a conflict? Yeah, looks pretty much -
Matt (as if it’s the most hilarious thing ever): Professional photo session?
They all take a moment to consider acting like professionals.
Rob: That’s not accurate.
Misha: Alright guys, we’re gonna have an amazing day - we’re gonna have an amazing day, I don’t know about you guys, but -
Pause for screaming.
Misha: They seem like a good crowd. You hold a lot of promise for us... Let’s knock it out of the park, okay? We’ll see you at photos, and autos, and ... We’ll see you again!
About to leave, to applause, then stops to point at Mark in the audience.
Misha: Somebody! This man does not have a ticket, so if you could just...
Mark, looking martyred, gets up and makes his way out of the row to leave with the rest of them.