Pairing: Gen, or Castiel/Dean, or Dean/Gabriel - take your pick!
Rating: G and complete crack
Length: c. 800
Summary: Wherein Gabriel decides that Dean's vocabulary needs expanding, and also that he has something he needs to confess to Castiel, and makes him only able to speak in certain quotes. In other words, Gabriel still hasn't learned his lesson about dealing with Winchesters.
Warnings: Shakespeare might be turning in his grave, but he does have a rather broad sense of humour. I'm not so sure about W. S. Gilbert.
Notes: This is all princess_aleera's fault. It originated in a moment of commenting insanity over here, but was then edited and finished on the occasion of saucery making a new Shakespeare fusion community which you should all join because everyone needs more Shakespeare. And Shakespeare is all about the fusions. And the AUs. And the crack. And the fanfic.
ETA: Now with a sequel: Silence is the perfectest herald of joy.
“Rapture!” Dean exclaimed.
Sam gritted his teeth.
The severed tentacle flailed in belated panic, sending drippy goo spraying over all three of them.
“… Modified rapture.”
“… Dean. Can you just. Stop talking. Please.”
“My eyes are fully open to my awful situation; I shall go at once to Gabriel and make him an oration,” muttered Dean. He swung a dark glare over at where Gabriel was sprawled casually on the Impala’s roof, smirking beatifically at the epic battle of slimy epicness. “Your proud triumph will not be long-lived.”
Sam made a wounded noise. “Gabriel, for the love of sanity, would you take that hex off him? I don’t need my brain exploding while I’m trying to stab a slime monster in the face.”
Gabriel swung his legs lazily. “Mon cher ami, your brother can stop talking in opera quotes as soon as he ‘fesses up about his deep and epic feelings to mine.”
Castiel pulled a dire face of dripping direness, and waded back into the fight.
“Go away angel, I should say, angel, you display, angel, shocking taste,” growled Dean.
“Gabriel, he doesn’t speak Italian,” Sam protested, ducking a slime-bedecked bureau as it flew by over his head.
“So he’s pretty much restricted to Gilbert and Sullivan and a couple of early musicals. Don’t knock it, kiddo. It’s a hell of a lot more diverse than his usual vocabulary.”
“It ain’t necessarily so,” muttered Dean rebelliously, branching out daringly into Gershwin.
Sam could feel a headache coming on.
“Hey, little bro! Deano here’s got something to say to you.”
Dean completely failed to be distracted from his tirade by the flap of wings and trenchcoat behind him. “What a brazen-faced varlet art thou! A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats, a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave, a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, superfinical rogue, a trunk-inheriting slave, one that wouldst be a bawd in the way of good service -”
Gabriel sniggered. “Well, I’m trying -”
“- the son and heir of a mongrel bitch, whom I will beat into clamorous whining if thou deny the least syllable of this addition.”
“That’s a bit harsh, tiger.”
“Gabriel.” Castiel looked mildly concerned. “Please stop... messing... with Dean.”
“Hey, I let him switch to Shakespeare instead of opera so he can swear at me. That’s generous, right?”
“Thou liest, abhorred tyrant.”
“Come on,” Gabriel wheedled helpfully. “‘I profess myself his adorer, not his friend’? ‘Come what may, I do adore thee so that danger shall seem sport, and I will go’? ‘Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt Truth to be a liar but never doubt I love’? ‘It is to be all made of fantasy, all made of passion and all made of wishes, all adoration, duty and observance, all humbleness, all patience and impatience, all purity, all trial, all obedience, and so am I for Castiel?’ Or you could be all coy - ‘My brother has a brother loves a man...’?”
“Hence, thou suborned informer! thou stubborn ancient knave, thou reverent braggart!”
“Gabriel, please stop trying to help.”
“Confess it, th’ one to th’ other? Confess, here on my knee, before high heaven and you, that I do love?”
“That’s the ticket.”
“Then ‘tis but reason that I be released? Only hellish obstinacy ties my tongue, that truth should be suspected?”
“Yep.” Gabriel grinned like a lion. “Just make a profession of undying and eloquent love, and, snap! Right back to your old foul-mouthed self again.”
Dean’s eyes went narrow. “You have my consent.”
“Hallelujah! The Winchester sees reason! Hold on, I’ll call my little bro.”
“And this is the first truth that e’er mine own tongue was guilty of -”
“Just a minute, I’ve almost got him –”
“Gabriel, by the roses of the spring –”
“No, hold on – wait, what?”
“By maidhood –”
“And when did you last have a nodding acquaintance with that?”
“- honour, truth –”
“Now I know you’re having me on –”
“- and everything, I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride, Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.”
“Hey. Hey, no, wrong angel, get off me you enormous knucklehead!”
“Do not extort thy reasons from this clause - for that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause -”
“You cheat. You lying, sneaking cheat who cheats.”
“But rather reason thus with reason fetter: love sought is good, but given unsought is better.”
Gabriel glared stonily down at the sparkling eyes and shit-eating grin kneeling in front of him. “You done?”
Dean let go of Gabriel’s thighs and smirked. “Seems like, yeah.”
“Good.” Gabriel grabbed his collar and hauled him bodily to his feet. “Only foul words, and thereupon I will kiss thee.”
Onwards to sequel land!
1. Some of the quotes are modified appropriately - the substitution of a name, or a switch to masculine words from feminine, etc.
2. All the opera quotes, save the Gershwin (which is Porgy and Bess), are from Gilbert and Sullivan operas. In order: The Mikado (Rapture/Modified rapture), Ruddigore (My eyes are fully open), The Pirates of Penzance (Your proud triumph), and Iolanthe (Go away, madam).
3. Dean’s insult speech is cribbed straight from King Lear. “Thou liest” is from Macbeth. The love speeches that Gabriel prompts him with are from Cymbaline, Twelfth Night, Hamlet, As You Like It, and Twelfth Night again. After which, Dean returns to King Lear for more abuse!
4. Here it gets tricky: Dean cobbles together several things in rapid succession to try to work out the exact terms of the hex. “Confess it” is All’s Well that Ends Well; “Confess here” is from elsewhere in the same scene. “Then ’tis but reason” is Henry VI part 3, “Only [sin and] hellish obstinacy tie[s] my/thy tongue” is from All’s Well that Ends Well, “You have my consent” from As You Like It (and possibly other plays too), and “the first truth” is back to All’s Well. The “by the roses of spring” speech is in its entirety from Twelfth Night; and Gabriel closes with “Only foul words”, from a spar between Beatrice and Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing.